It’s Not You vs. Them—It’s You vs. the Pattern
Why Family Therapy Works Best When We Focus on the Cycle, Not the Story
A parent in one of my recent groups asked a great question:
“How can teens really buy into family therapy? Don’t they worry the therapist will side with the parents? And what if the parents feel like the therapist is siding with the teen?”
It’s such a real concern—and such a powerful doorway into the heart of what makes family work in therapy either fall flat… or move mountains.
The answer?It all comes down to what we’re actually fighting against.
When families come into therapy, it’s easy to start storytelling.
“He said…” “She did…” “They always…” “I never…”
And pretty soon, we’re stuck in a cycle of blame. Everyone is defending, attacking, or shutting down. And while it might feel cathartic in the moment, it rarely gets us where we want to go.
The Story Isn’t the Problem. The Pattern Is.
In family and relational therapy, the “problem” can’t be a person.
Not your teen. Not your partner. Not yourself.
The problem has to be the pattern—the way communication, behavior, and emotional reactions loop in a cycle that keeps everyone stuck.
When we shift the focus from who’s right to what’s happening, we move from courtroom to collaboration. And that’s when therapy becomes effective.
When everyone in the room can say: “This pattern isn’t working for us,” we’ve already taken the first step toward real change.
A Therapist’s Job?
Not to pick sides. Not to dig into the drama.
But to join you as an investigator—mapping out the cycle and helping each person understand their part in it, with compassion and clarity.
I once heard someone say (I wish I remembered who!):
“Everyone should leave a family or couples session thinking, ‘I’m definitely the therapist’s favorite.’”
And it’s true.
When therapy feels safe, respectful, and focused on the pattern, not the person, change becomes a shared goal—not a solo burden.
Tips: How to Start Noticing the Pattern in Your Family
Want to start shifting the dynamic before or between sessions? Try this:
Look for the Loop
Ask yourself:
What typically happens before we argue or shut down?
Is there a trigger we all respond to in different ways?
How do I usually react—and what does that lead to?
Identify Roles
Does someone always become the peacemaker? The exploder? The withdrawer? These roles aren’t “bad”—they’re clues to the cycle.
Pause the Story
When you catch yourself replaying the details of a fight, ask:
What was I feeling underneath? What did I need in that moment?
Tips: How to Show Up to Family Therapy
Be curious, not certain.
Try to enter the room with the mindset of learning—about yourself, your loved ones, and the system you’re all part of.
Let the therapist guide the journey.
If it starts to feel like a blame game, it’s okay to say, “I think we’re getting lost in the story. Can we come back to the pattern?”
Be honest—but not brutal.
Sharing truth is important. So is making space for other people’s truths.
Ask, “What’s the goal of this share?”
Are you hoping to be understood, to punish, to defend, or to repair?
At The Attachment Space, we believe that everyone—parents, teens, couples, families—deserves a space to feel seen, heard, and supported.
The goal of therapy isn’t to win.
It’s to understand—and from there, to grow.
Remember: You’re not fighting each other.
You’re fighting for your relationship—against the pattern that’s been getting in the way.
And that’s a fight worth showing up for.
Reframing Teen 'Attitude' as an Invitation to Connect
Some of my favorite moments of my weeks are running multifamily groups and parent groups at Clear Behavioral Health in two different locations and working with families at Whole Human Wellness Therapy. There are a couple themes that I have been noticing that I’ve been trying to figure out how to put into concise thoughts so here it goes 🤣
The two themes are: non- verbals and “play” in adolescence.
One of the most powerful shifts I witness in family work as well as in groups happen when parents begin to really see their teen—not just in their words, but in their non- verbals. It means not reacting negatively to “attitude” , it means being curious about it and just holding space. In my opinion, often teens are pushing buttons to basically subconsciously check “do you actually love me unconditionally?” In general, teens have so much negative self talk, and often without them realizing it, they subconsciously engage in behaviors that would create that reality to be true AKA if they feel unlovable or worthless, they may engage in behaviors that would try to get attachment figures to respond in a way that would “prove” that negative belief. It’s not rational and it’s also not conscious. The real journey to stronger connection begins as we try to get it right in these moments - or even more importantly, when we miss the mark and we come back to repair in a loving way.
Parents who I work with are so desperate to connect with their teens, but unintentionally miss the cues. And it’s not their fault, these cues are subtle and often disguised as “attitude.” But what I’ve found is this: parents who mirror nonverbal behaviors with curiosity instead of irritation tend to build deeper connections and have much less conflict.
Mirroring doesn’t mean mimicking. It means being attuned—pausing when your teen pauses, softening when they soften, staying grounded ourselves when they try to push us away, leaning in when they withdraw. It communicates: “you can’t make me not love you, I’m grounded and contained and I am here for you.”
And here’s something else I’ve noticed—play hasn’t disappeared in adolescence. It’s just shapeshifted- especially as social media and other elements have made teens feel like they have to act older than they are.
While younger kids show play through imaginary play, teens might express play through sarcasm, inside jokes, or even mockery. What can look like annoyance is often actually an attempt to connect. But if parents meet it with shame, shutdown, or dismissal, that channel of connection closes.
Let’s reframe what it means to be attuned to teens. Mirroring their world—emotionally and nonverbally—isn’t about control. It’s about connection. It’s easier said than done, but being aware and putting in effort to NOTICE, will have positive outcomes (even if we get an eye roll back at the beginning) 🤣 Teens notice everything and do really care! 🩵
Until next time, friends!
In connection and care,
Alexis