Reframing Teen 'Attitude' as an Invitation to Connect

Some of my favorite moments of my weeks are running multifamily groups and parent groups at Clear Behavioral Health in two different locations and working with families at Whole Human Wellness Therapy. There are a couple themes that I have been noticing that I’ve been trying to figure out how to put into concise thoughts so here it goes 🤣

The two themes are: non- verbals and “play” in adolescence.

One of the most powerful shifts I witness in family work as well as in groups happen when parents begin to really see their teen—not just in their words, but in their non- verbals. It means not reacting negatively to “attitude” , it means being curious about it and just holding space. In my opinion, often teens are pushing buttons to basically subconsciously check “do you actually love me unconditionally?” In general, teens have so much negative self talk, and often without them realizing it, they subconsciously engage in behaviors that would create that reality to be true AKA if they feel unlovable or worthless, they may engage in behaviors that would try to get attachment figures to respond in a way that would “prove” that negative belief. It’s not rational and it’s also not conscious. The real journey to stronger connection begins as we try to get it right in these moments - or even more importantly, when we miss the mark and we come back to repair in a loving way.

Parents who I work with are so desperate to connect with their teens, but unintentionally miss the cues. And it’s not their fault, these cues are subtle and often disguised as “attitude.” But what I’ve found is this: parents who mirror nonverbal behaviors with curiosity instead of irritation tend to build deeper connections and have much less conflict.

Mirroring doesn’t mean mimicking. It means being attuned—pausing when your teen pauses, softening when they soften, staying grounded ourselves when they try to push us away, leaning in when they withdraw. It communicates: “you can’t make me not love you, I’m grounded and contained and I am here for you.”

And here’s something else I’ve noticed—play hasn’t disappeared in adolescence. It’s just shapeshifted- especially as social media and other elements have made teens feel like they have to act older than they are.

While younger kids show play through imaginary play, teens might express play through sarcasm, inside jokes, or even mockery. What can look like annoyance is often actually an attempt to connect. But if parents meet it with shame, shutdown, or dismissal, that channel of connection closes.

Let’s reframe what it means to be attuned to teens. Mirroring their world—emotionally and nonverbally—isn’t about control. It’s about connection. It’s easier said than done, but being aware and putting in effort to NOTICE, will have positive outcomes (even if we get an eye roll back at the beginning) 🤣 Teens notice everything and do really care! 🩵

Until next time, friends!

In connection and care,

Alexis